Monday, December 27, 2010

All in less than 24 hours...

This is what happens when I eat sugar before bed:

I drove through the local Steak 'N' Shake and ordered a CAFFEINE-FREE diet coke... because I'd already had a lot of sugar and I really didn't want to stay up any later than I had to. So why add caffeine? Instead I had them add vanilla flavor to my diet coke because, uh, I needed a little sugar? And so they did.

When I got to the window, I was charged $3.41... $1.99 for the drink and .29 (shot of vanilla) + .29 (s of v) + .29 (s of v) + .29 (s of v) + .26 (tax). I was shocked, questioned it, but lost my case... as the brand new window clerk insisted that it is 29 cents for every shot of vanilla he put in... and he just had to put in FOUR to make the drink taste good.

I got a receipt. I planned to return the next day.

I returned home and whittled away way too many hours on the computer and decided to finally head to bed at 2:00. Sugar does not wear off quickly, you know.

I found my dog asleep on my bed. I picked her up, moved her to her own bed and then headed back to mine. As I placed my hands on my bed to hoist my sugar-laden body onto the sheets... I was met by water. LOTS of water. Or what I thought was water. Upon close examination, I decided my dog had used my bed as a toilet.

I stood for a moment wondering what to do... because the sugar high was wearing off quickly and I was getting very tired, very fast.

I could head upstairs and climb into the guest bed... but I knew there wasn't a blanket on that bed and I knew we were expecting 27 degree temps by morning. I could climb into bed with Rick (he's down the hall since he's recovering from some hip problems) but that's not ideal at the moment, either. So I headed upstairs to the linen closet for some clean sheets.

And while up there, I discovered (at 2:15 AM, mind you) that the cat had not been fed. Liz was away for the night and actually, the cat let me know LOUDLY that she had not been fed. And so I fed her. I waded through the debris in Liz' room, fed the cat and then watched her DELIBERATELY pee on the carpet. I debated whether that could wait until morning to clean up. I decided it could. Besides, it's Liz' room. Not mine. She could enjoy the fumes the next day.

Got the sheets and headed back down to put them on my bed. There was the dog... again... sleeping in my bed. This time I was not so nice. This time I threw her out.

Sheets on. Watched a little TV and then crashed. Around 2:30. Maybe 2:40. Fast asleep fast. But not for long.

A gunshot was heard about fifteen minutes later. Most people would wonder where it came from... I got right to the point... WHO DIED? I hoped it was the dog. Or the cat. But no such luck.

No, our house has been settling lately (note to self: call handy man and have him repair the ever enlarging hole in my ceiling) and every night there is a creaking noise RIGHT ABOVE MY HEAD. And it's loud. No one died... but I am about to murder this house if we don't get this issue solved.

And off I went, back to sleep. Just in time to hear Elizabeth's ALARM CLOCK wake me and ALL OF CHINA at 6:00 AM!!!!! (note to self: Kill Elizabeth)

Fortunately I was able to fall back asleep, after another trip upstairs to shoot the alarm clock and throw it out the window.

Unfortunately my dreams were short lived. Rick woke me up an hour later to remind me that the window was being fixed this morning and could I please come upstairs and show the nice man WHICH WINDOW?????

I gave up, got up and got dressed.

Window man worked quickly, fixed our foggy window and left. Then Rick and I headed to Steak 'N' Shake to complain about my overcharged drink from the night before. Even though it still felt like I hadn't slept yet.

The nice lady at Steak 'N' Shake was willing to fix the problem and comp both Rick and I some drinks. We stayed and had breakfast. And got our new receipt... where the drinks were not comped after all. I sensed another battle with Steak 'N' Shake brewing. This time I won. But the victory was short lived because I later realized we had the wrong receipt... and we actually paid for someone else's meal... someone who ate more than we did. Someone who needs to diet more than me, obviously.

And our day began... with Rick taking me to a store he'd seen on a road trip a couple of weeks ago that he just knew I'd like: The Christmas Tree Store. And since I am in the market for a new Christmas tree... well, it seemed like a perfect fit. And off we went.

I bought out The Christmas Tree Store... I purchased everything I saw... except for a Christmas tree... which they did not have. I don't know why I thought "The Christmas Tree Store" should have a Christmas tree. What a silly idea.

And on the way home, Rick asked me to stop at Jack In The Box for some eggrolls. And I did.

We ordered a Sprite and three eggrolls on the little speaker and then drove up to the window. Paid the gal at the window and drove off. Literally, I paid and drove off. Sans food.

About twenty miles up the road Rick asked me.... "Didn't we just order some eggrolls?"

I decided to tell him that the entire last 24 hours had just been a dream... and that he should just go back to sleep. And to quit dreaming about eggrolls.

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