Thursday, January 31, 2013

So... how was the trip?

Y'all know that I finally did make it home... but did I have a good trip?  Did I do anything fun?  Is Walt Disney really cryogenically frozen?  I can't answer that last one, I have no proof.  But the first two questions definitely have answers.  And yet, they'll have to wait.  I'll have more fun telling you about the wonderful place that I chose to stay... The Holiday Inn Express... in Kissimee, Florida.  Wait, it was really called The Holiday Inn Express and Resort.  Yes, it was truly a resort.  Gorgeous, tropical, family friendly, beach front and a golfing property.  It was a resort to end all resorts.  It was a resort that met all my needs.

Or so I thought.

I could spend an hour telling you about "India" and how RUDE he was to us after we had just checked into his magical resort in this World of Disney.  India, who tried valiently to sell Elizabeth and I a magical trip around this resort, better known as a TIMESHARE.  I wanted no part of a timeshare.  None.  But India thought sure that I needed to hear all about it.  He was downright rude when I turned a deaf ear to him.

But instead of dwelling on that... I'd rather tell you about our room.  Our room down the dark, dank hallway, around two corners and completely away from other guests and tourists.  Our room tucked away near four washing machines and two huge "food lockers" that Liz and I were just sure housed all of the dead bodies that perished in our hallway.  I feared that India was getting even with me.  India wanted Elizabeth and I hidden from view.  Hidden away from all of the other paying guests that agreed to go on the fun timeshare tour. 

Don't get me wrong... our room was gorgeous.  The inside of our room, the part behind the worn out doors was very nice.  Very.  (Pictures following, but they don't do the room justice.)  It was the outside of our room that was so questionable.  But once inside, we had a lovely kitchen complete with granite countertops both in the kitchen and in the bathroom.  Cute kitchen table, full sized fridge and fully stocked cabinets.  We could've cooked every meal there, if I'd ever learned to cook. 

However, it didn't take long for me to realize that the inside of our room was questionable, too.

After one night in our lovely room, Liz and I headed to the Magic Kingdom... or better known to us as "Disneyland."  Yes, Liz and I can't quite get that word out of our heads.  Oh well.

We spent an entire day in Disneyland and came home ready to collapse.  We returned to our gorgeous hotel on the gorgeous beach with the seven pools and the golf course on the property... we entered our gorgeous room... and found that the maids had not been there yet.  Yet?  It was 11:00 PM!!  Yep, we were not going to be able to retire into fresh beds with mints on our pillows.  We were not going to have brand new little shampoos and shower caps at our disposal.  We were not going to have fresh, new hotel towels hanging on our racks.  Instead they were still on the floor.  And they were destined to remain there unless I alerted the front desk... which, of course, I did.

Know what I learned?  THERE IS NO MAID SERVICE in a timeshare hotel.  No fresh sheets, no clean towels.  Oy vey.  Know what the front desk told me?  They told me that there were three small boxes of laundry soap under the sink... and I was expected to wash my own towels in those handy little machines outside our door.

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME????   They were not kidding.

Aha!  If you don't let India sell you a timeshare?  You have to WORK at this hotel.  If he could've swung it, I'm sure India would've had us washing all the dishes, too.

So... my bed remained unmade for five days.  My towels stayed on the floor and Elizabeth and I cleverly figured out how to dry our bodies off with multiple hand and wash cloths. 

Take that India. 

Know how we got even?  Elizabeth and I were all set to go shopping for her new dorm the next day.  But we didn't need to.  We shopped inside our room!  Soap?  Got it.  Cute little shampoos and conditioners?  Got 'em.  Laundry soap?  Check.  Dishwashing soap, coffee, tea, salt, pepper.... check, check, check.  Liz needed a couple of hand towels... got those, too.  But our best conquest?  Liz needed another pillow... BINGO.  We knew where to get one!  I would've gotten the TV out, too, if I could've.

Take that India.  Again.

India will probably have the last laugh, though.  I haven't paid my bill yet.  But at least I didn't have to wash my towels.

In the words of Elizabeth... WORST HOTEL EVER.      I tend to agree.

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