Tuesday, February 16, 2016

a little break now and then

I'm sure you're tired of all the show news ... so I'll let you in on a funny story I heard just today.  My friend Billy says he uses me for therapy.  And he asked if he could be therapied again.  For a mere $3000, I said yes.   You can charge him, too.  He won't mind.

Sunday morning after church, we had just gotten home and changed into some jeans and were getting ready to go out to eat and to the grocery store.  Cindy (Billy's wife) mentioned that her bathroom sink faucet leaked around the edges when she turned on the water.  I looked at it and said that it probably just needed a new rubber washer and that I, being the man of the house and jack of all trades, could naturally fix that problem in five minutes.  So I took off downstairs to gather some tools and hunt for a rubber washer.  Upon finding what I needed, I then walked back upstairs and past Cindy at the washing machine while she was loading dirty clothes.  I proceeded to the bathroom and removed the faucet handle, then took a wrench and turned the faucet mechanism to get to the rubber washer. All of a sudden, water began shooting up like a damn geyser!  I'm embarrassed to admit it, I guess it was one of those senior moments, but I was in such a rush to fix things in the five minutes I had boasted that I could do it in, that I had forgotten to shut off the water valve under the sink! Well, to keep the water from shooting up to the ceiling, I quickly placed both hands over the spewing water, which didn't slow it down one iota from spewing out.  It just made it go sideways instead of straight up.  In other words, I was getting soaked! 

 Knowing that if I let go with my hands, water would shoot straight up, hitting the ceiling in the process and then come down all over the floor so I kept my hands over the geyser.  That way, at least some of the water (that which wasn't hitting me directly) was running back into the sink or onto the lavatory counter.  But with both hands busy trying to fight the geyser, I could not reach down to shut off the water valve under the sink. So I immediately screamed for Cindy to come and help me.  

Not knowing what help exactly I was needing, she hollers back, "Can it wait just a minute?" So I scream back, "Hell no, it cannot!  Come here, NOW!" So she immediately drops her laundry and proceeds to run downstairs to where she thought she heard me hollering for her.  I thought for sure she had seen me come back upstairs with my tools and pass her in the hallway, but nooooooooooo.  

So when she does not appear quickly in the bathroom, I start hollering louder for her.  "CINDY, GET IN HERE NOW.  I NEED YOU!" Seconds pass, which seemed like minutes, and no sign or sound from Cindy.  Turns out, when she went downstairs and couldn't find me, she then walked outside looking for me! 

So there we both were, neither knowing where the hell the other one was. She was running around the front and back yard, like I was playing hide and seek with the damn squirrels or something; and I'm upstairs with my hands still trying to hold back Niagara Falls in reverse, screaming at the top of my lungs.  "CINDY! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?"  

By this time, I'm wetter than a thong found on the Titanic.  Now I'm starting to get mad.  Like, really mad!  So I finally said to heck with it, I let go of the faucet and crawled under the sink to turn off the water valve as the geyser erupted to its maximum height, then turned downward with gravity and splashed right on my big ol' butt as I lay on the floor trying to get to the valve!  I hadn't even gotten my head out of the cabinet under the sink and off my knees when I heard the wifey finally walking back into the bedroom.  Before she gets to the bathroom, she can hear me swearing and cussing like a sailer, and then I hear her say in her sweet little southern drawl, "Is there a problem I can help with, dear?"  

Then she turns the corner into the bathroom, looks at the mess and says,  "Oh no, all my makeup is drenched!" I'm standing there looking like a damn Jap who had barely survived a tsunami, and she's worried about her damn makeup!!  Well, I took a deep breath and walked away from where the monkey wrench was laying, because I was having thoughts of other uses for it!  But she did volunteer to clean up the whole mess, and as she was doing that, and I changed into dryer clothes, I started laughing at the entire scene as it played out.  Yes, I was madder than a wet hen (no pun intended), but I realized that the whole thing could have been avoided if I had simply not forgotten to turn off the water valve to start with.

So there you have it.  Another instance of a hubby playing amateur plumber.  If it had all been caught on camera, I could have sent it in to America's Funniest Videos, and I might be much richer today.

The End

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